[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
In case you needed to hear it:
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.