Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

Good dog. ❤️

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

🤣😂

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.