Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Yes

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

“Worm Regards”

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

Clients after you give them your rates

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.