(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
