Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

All right then, keep your secrets

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

My birthstone is kidney

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

Dear Samsung,

please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever