Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack