*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF