*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
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The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
c’mon!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
