Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

We are never ever ever getting back together 🎶

Tupperware lids

[eats all your cotton candy]

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not