[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.