Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late