Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

Ring = she’s married

Nose ring = she’s married to a bull

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

New skill unlocked

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.