[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
You Might Also Like
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
An odd boast
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Anyone really
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.