[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
December birthdays be like…
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking