Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Well, that didn’t work.

Harsh but fair

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

Grandmother clock.

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”