*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”