@DillDoes

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now

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@Smooheed

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

@RodLacroix

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

@Piecezilla

Putting a bell around a cow’s neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.

@kingstonstreet

The pen is mightier than the sword. Unless you have like three followers then go with the sword

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

@FunnyBison

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

@Birdhumms

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!