*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
You Might Also Like
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
At least try to make it slightly believable
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
This is why I hate group projects
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
