Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?