Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?