Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

🤣dope

So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Lmao the reply

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.