Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now
“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
*punches hole in wall*
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.