[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.