@Book_Krazy

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

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@IwanWil

I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.

@77StephanieG77

Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much

@SirEviscerate

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

@philmann

I’m the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.

@Mom_Overboard

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

@mishakey

4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.

@WGladstone

When God closes a door, he opens a window. So God’s pretty clearly getting high in his dorm room.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.