Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet

Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.