*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
These 3D printers are insane!
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”