Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.