[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
i made a craigslist ad !
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.