*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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Intelligence is the new cleavage
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
❤️❤️❤️
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service