Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

“OMG, this is better than sex!”

-Me, snacking during sex

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”