pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
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how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Chicken bread
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?