pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
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My first son he is wonderful
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
5 ways to appear taller
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.