POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Boating season is upon us.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?