POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?