POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
yeah no that’s fair
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.