POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Ghost costume 😂
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week