POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
😂🖐️
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”