POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My favorite farside!!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!