POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You Might Also Like
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.