*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
But that’s none of my business
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.