*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
You Might Also Like
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
when unicorns get really drunk
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this