*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Dance like you’re not the father
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese