Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

[Sperm Bank]

DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Love this one 😂🧟

i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.