*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!