*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
repaired
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
As the Lord intended
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.