Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”