power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
You Might Also Like
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
