*power walks to the refrigerator*
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I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
subtitles are so good nowadays
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.