*power walks to the refrigerator*
You Might Also Like
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel