*power walks to the refrigerator*
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
A roof is a house hat.
I really had high hopes for this year though
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Bruh 😂