Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.