Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Got him!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.