Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?