Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?

my brain: a hairdryer.

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron