Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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I went from rags to one rag.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
