Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
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[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
How I like cutting carbs
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Natural selection at its finest
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings