Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

one of

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss