Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Worst Native American name ever.

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.