power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl