ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
calling in to work dehydrated