ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My life coach traded me.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
May never get over this
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
having children is a pyramid scheme.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.