[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
emergency phone
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.