Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
buying dead houseplants to save time
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Great game to play with friends
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.