Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”