Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If only.
Nose
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.