stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Love is in the air fryer.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.