Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

I don’t believe him.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Me when I’m ovulating