Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.