Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
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*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Good point.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
man: wait
time: no
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?