Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
You Might Also Like
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”