Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}