Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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She knows her part so well!
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!