Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”